End of the World

I started Sixth Form in September 1998. Memories of Joe and our summer together were fading into oblivion as I got together with Tom in the year above.

Tom was the centre of my universe and we were together for 9 months. I was in love. My extra-curricular achievements reached new heights – I was finally in a long term relationship and I was determined to reap the rewards. Sadly my school grades paid the price.

As was the fashion back then, we had a messy break-up. I was devastated, heart-broken and my desperation lasted for a LONG time.

Once Tom had checked-out of my universe (much to my parents’ relief) I was desperate to secure him a return journey. After months of grief, I decided to settle the matter with a FOR and AGAINST list. Although it makes for somewhat uncomfortable reading today, this diary entry from the summer of 1998 offers a window into my teenage turmoil and is testament to the fact that womanhood is a journey fraught with difficulties and demons.

GETTING BACK TOGETHER WITH TOM

FOR:

1. I still have major feelings for him
2. We’ve been apart for TWO months and I still want him
3. I miss his company AND his body
4. He might treat me better this time around
5. I’m a lot stronger this time around
6. He knows me and I know him, I love the connection we have
7. Ok so he cheated, it was just a couple of snogs, it happens
8. I was the reason he strayed, I was too available, always there, not exciting

AGAINST:

1. He treated me like shit
2. My parents would go MAD
3. I would be letting my friends down
4. He’s going to uni soon
5. I’m not sure I’d want to say committed to him once he’s gone to uni
6. We’d probably split up again
7. I have to concentrate on my A-Levels
8. I don’t want a guy to get in the way of things when I sit my exams next summer
9. I’m still in the “getting over you” period, so just ride it out
10. HIS FRIENDS
11. Can I be bothered with the stress of having a boyfriend?
12. Why should I go back to someone who took absolutely everything I gave for granted.

And that was that. Onto pastures new, just in time for summer.